Part of my Summer

I sit awake. Mind running through my summer.

I have been transformed. Remade. And than beaten down more times than I count. It's as if every year something decides I need to this things thing over hear but to do it I must suffer a bit.

Take for instance my leadership camp, EFL, one of the most prestigious and well honored leadership camps in America. I get chosen from our school, they easy could have picked Isaac, Nick, Nick M, or any other junior guy but nooo they pick me!! Cameron HosKing. 

So I send in this five minute essay and I end up getting accepted. I am scared slash nervous. Why? Because no one I know will be there. I go up to Seattle Washington. Once there I have to find my room than I go to were my meeting is. Great. Than I learn it's an Economics for Leaders camp. Hence. EFL. So I sit through a boring lecture and than comes in this bean pole thin man. Black skinned, in his late fifty's early sixty's. And from that moment he leads us on several unique and different challenges. I learn this knot one and we go one and one. Linwood Paul, now he has a different last name but Paul is the name he choose after becoming a Christian.

About mid way through the week, he, this girl name Tyler, and I are sitting eating lunch and talking. She tells us her story. Now I won't repeat it because I promised not to tell. But than Linwood turns to me and asks me what do I want to talk about. So I sit there and say.

"I feel like others have picked me to be the leader but I don't want to be."

To which he replays.

"Have they put you on the spot? Have you failed? Have you failed them?" I shake my head and say.

"Not most of the time. Only when I truly am not able to handle it." Dumbfounded I sit there thinking. Where is this crafty man going to go? 

He than laughs and smiles and says bull. Give him the real reason.

"I am frustrated and mad I can never do enough or do my best." He than proceeds to make some observations that he has had about me.

"You notice peoples ticks, their weird things, you noticed me making marks on my napkin well Tyler did not. You always are trying to out think everything, and when you can't it excites you, you get this grin, this almost happy look and you just do it. Your not letting others lead, nooo, oh no, your the big man. You always looking out for others, but there aint never enough going on to keep the big fish busy. Wait...homie.... you ever feel like your not challenged?"
I nod and say yes.

"Get a bigger bowl." He replays. I tilt my head.

"When you mad do other people, like whole school avoid you, but yet still want to be around you?" I nod.

"Get a bigger bowl."

We clean up and him and I chat. Me trying to grasp the idea of a bigger bowl. We had some how gotten seperated from Tyler in the process. Well walking I look over my shoulder to see if she is there. He smiles and laughs.

"Cameron, your one of the most compassionate kids I have ever seen. Even though you know she is okay, you looked back for her, to see if she is okay. You always want or need more stuff to do. Your bred to help other. Even if it drives you nuts! Man I aint kidding you, your one of this real observant types aswell. Never once have you backed down from a true challenge in your life. Here is the same thing. See you around cat."

He swaggers off. Probably replaying that whole thing in his head with a song.

Later one I near destroy my right knee being stupid. But I forge on. We do several more things and I push on. Tears running down my face from the pain in my kneecap. Each step is an explosion of icy hot shards of glass rolling around in my right knee. But I go on.

Later on we do a walk of life, we have to follow it, a simple rope, one hand on it at all times, but if it comes off. We end. And did I forget to tell you. All of us, 34 people, are blindfolded. And I have an handicap. My right knee is toast. Oh and one more thing. This thing is through the friggen woods. Like imagine the black woods from harry potter. Yeah those woods. With thorns and bugs and tree knots sticking out of the ground.

And I do it. I charge head first. I go barreling along until SMACK! I come head first into a tree trunk. I slow down and let my hands guide me as I feel a bit of blood slowly edge it's way across my skull. I keep going until suddenly I feel branches everywhere. I keep going. I can hear others snapping about, silently swearing under their breath. But no I, I stay silent. I breath. I stay calm. But I get mad, mad enough I get into a slow jog and I smack into fist sized branches and ignore them! I break a few. I feel them snap as my head forces it's way through them. A freight train on it's rails.

I keep going never stopping until the little rope in my hand transforms into a silken smooth texture. I know I am near the end. Needless to say I finished. I am bloodied and battered and beaten. But I finished.

Two days before the end we are all standing and talking and he says any thing that has come to mind. I stan there unaware as some other form of thought posseses me to stand fourth and raise me hand. I say outloud in  a manner unknown to me.

"My depression is back, the dark terrible thoughts of death and killing myself haunt me."

Linwood looks at me and laughs. I grow angry at his callousness. He says
"Boy that aint you. You don't give up. Twice this week you have asked me how to get crutches, and twice I told you hospital but you would have to go home. And twice, twice you denied it. That aint depression. You can barely walk so what do you do? You had people carry your sorry ass everywhere. I say you go head first five times, five times into branches, even big boy over there avoided them like the plague. But not you. You charged head first, head first, through those suckers and broke em." I chuckled. I think I have changed.

"Tell us what your going to do?" I look him in the eyes step fourth like something is compelling me to. I turn and promise.

"I promise never to give up. Be it physical, mental or spirituality, I promise to prevail, and to be there for my friends and family and to never give up. Be it school, work, life, or love. I promise to you guys as a new family and to my God, that I will last, but I will ask for help when I need it for I can not do all things, but I can do all things through Christ and my friends!" At which I almost collapse from pain and my friend Dale reaches out and grabs me and puts me on the ground.

"Maybe that knee of yours there cat, was the universes or Gods way of making you ask for help homles." I smile and laugh with Linwood. He and I just made that Human Connection.