Cameron is pissed

you see a smile, a bright happy person. you dont know me or like me. the hatred and anger that is pent up and burning inside of me, beneath my calm happy exciting exterior. I have built myself to be a fortress, not a physical one, but a mental one, but not from the outside but from within. 

inside of me rages a storm, years of pent up pain, hate, hurt. you see some one who helps. you want to know me? Know why i act like I do? 

I don't want to turn into my father, that abusive sick evil puss of a human. You see a father and love him, I see a father and want to kill him. I have been abused mentally, physically and emotionally. For years the fists and slaps, the bruises are gone, no physical scars. But my mind keeps them, and when I was younger, maybe when I was five or six, I had an older half brother living with us, I didn't really know him nor like him but one day he tried to kill me by trying to strangle me. I am alive but now i can't let people touch my neck, I snap when they do. Hence why no one touches it EVER. 

To be emotionally abused...I can't fucking stand the words stupid, retard, idiot, dumb any of those ones.  i was called that so much growing up it has mentally ruined my and now I am due to fits of anxity attacks and panic attacks and now my hands shake constintly. I was spoken to in baby talk until i was ten by my father and now you hear this speech issue of mine, this diabolical speech issue.

mentally i am torn and barely in controll. i am held together by thing strands, weak as a flower. I am not strong, you don't know me, some even say I am a "softy" they dont know how much i have trained not to be voilent, as was my upbring to be so. 

so to all of you who think they know me based on my outside, please kindly shut the fuck up with the bitching and whining, the crying and complaining that I am human. when I slip an inch its always the same "he lies. Hes a hypocrite" please kindly shut the fuck up. 

I am done, I am so close to snapping. I am far from being healed all the way and i am far from being a pure christian. i am under constant attack for these things, all because I am me. So SHUT THE FUCK UP! I am sick of the crying that i am a hypocrite, I am a human, not some one bigger then you, i never claim to be, I stive to be a man of God and a good leader. 

DONE!