Sorrow and Regret

An uneasy rain fell on this day. One marring the mid summer, a rare occurrence. Sapping life and energy from I, for my spirit felt restless and tireless. The colors in the normally bright flowers were empty and lackluster, but I still picked her favorites, lily's and roses, bright red marked with the white roses. Her absolute favorites.

Maybe today I can cheer her up. I thought to myself as I stood back up. My shoes muddy and my shoulders sore from picking just the right ones. Maybe today we wont fight. My heart ached from the constant bickering and fighting. It felt like an omen that the heavens where raining and breaking lose.

I was to meet her at her place, a beautiful home with acres, away from the city. But she wanted to meet somewhere else, she wanted to buy new clothes. Part of myself was thankful we could break up our routine of watching movies, eating, and fighting.

Always about the same thing, always "I am afraid that I will cheat." Or "You are never able to do the things I want to do." I always had the answer to such a thing, "But how could you when you say I love you?" Or "I am broken, I cant hike or ride." And then we would both huff and blow until we were raw in the faces and voices and settle down into cold still silence.

"I have to move away, you know with my family." She stared at me with those crystal blue eyes, so soul catching and hauntingly beautiful. The way they curved when she was sad or would shine as if a firework when happy, the part of her that made me talk to her. The part that I first complimented. I wrote poems about those oceans of love and sorrow, about how such beauty that seemed to know the end of time and pain.

And today those eyes were so clouded and sad, turned towards the ground. Those thin perfect lips quivering. "I...I need to say something." I just stared knowing with all the dread in my heart what is to come. "Why do you treat me like this?" I feel that rush of water, the clutching of the chest, ragged breathing. The flowers are nothing anymore. "I...I cant be with you anymore. I... I love you. But it hurts to much. I don't even believe you when you say that you haven't cheated or lied to me anymore. Then I get mad and I end up hurting you. I cant keep doing this cycle. I am sorry."

Those blue eyes look at I, framed with raven black hair, except a few strands in the middle of her hair, white and blonde mixed. She stands there for a few heart beats. Turns and leaves "Fine. Never talk to me again. I hate you."

I meant to give her those flowers, to see a smile on her face one last time. To see that smile that made my day brighten when nothing else will or would. To see the smile that would say "I love you my darling." I wanted one last time to make her eyes light up with wonder and excitement, like all those times before. She was my first love, some one I trusted and shared my heart with.

She was the first person to see my cry, to see me break down after all the abuse and hurt I have felt from my life. She was there when my family lied about my father trying to commit suicide. There to keep me from killing myself, from jumping, or walking into traffic. When I feel into alcohol again to pull me out of it. To me, to me she was a saving grace, and angel to help redeem a very sinful and broken boy.

I loved her everyday for nearly two years of my life. She was the first person I said I love you too. Who made this so called thug and bad ass a softy. I grew still with her, not feeling any of my rage or hurt. Just an outpouring of caring and love.

And I am so so so sorry I hurt you. That everything happened the way it did. But I was broken physically and mentally. I was so hurt that I didn't know what to do anymore.

You see on that day, not only did I lose someone I loved. But a friend, confident, trusted... everything to. I lost what felt like the other half of me.

The one thing in my life I have regretted doing. No other regrets in my life except for that day and not trying to fight harder. But they always say if you love something set it free right? Right? Right guys?

Go

I began to notice strange things when I was young. Oddities. Like how people would lie to me and I knew it. For a long time I knew it. My family said I was strange.. they acted scared of me at times. I could notice.... it was like an energy. At all times.

Now two of my posts involve, ghosts and me seeing energy. And one a demon.  I... yeah this sounds crazy but I see them... well sense. I don't normally see them. But I am aware of them. I am aware of peoples presences. And I am told time and time again that my presence is large, and rough, but that it draws people in.

I was told a few months back by a teacher that I am a man of power. I don't crave it, it finds me. That I can't enter a room without every one wanting my attention. He said "HosKing, people want you to notice them. You aren't a small presence in a room, you dominate without trying to dominate."

Now I didn't believe him until I started riding the bus and random strangers started telling me their problems. Not just small ones but huge life changing issues. I attract things...I attract people.

Now I have no idea how or why I have this ability. Or even if it is all made up in my head (Name of the site does have my name with question mark). I honestly don't see how people can follow me, or why they do. 

I have little tolerance for ignorance, or rudeness. Arrogant people piss me off and I tend to confront them about said arrogance. If you say you are better then others, feel entitled, or put others down I become your enemy. I am hard baring and don't let persons slack off or goof off when things need to be down. Like a Kyojin, I will come down on you. I push hard for excellence and I push even harder for self growth. I abhor senseless violence but will resort to it as a last resort. 

People claim I am a great leader, but I am not. I swear, I smoke, I did drugs, I did alcohol, I hurt people physically and mentally. My best friend, I used to bully him on a daily basis. So why I have this power when I am clearly such a curropt and evil person is unknown to me. Hell maybe I am crazy.